Wow, I can’t believe I am here, in front of my laptop, typing out my first blog post. I was dreaming of a time when I would have a 30-minute block to write this, and here it is.
Motherhood is emotional and you have to learn to lean on people to get through it. And then a simple smile from Vivi makes it all worth it.
It has been 11 weeks since I had my beautiful baby girl, Vivi. Although things were off to a rocky start, here we are, pushing through.
I’ll likely write about my birth story at a different time because right now my mind and heart are with me talking about postpartum. That time between having your baby and now, the 12th-week mark, where your 4th trimester begins and ends.
Right when my daughter was placed on my chest, the tears were unstoppable. The feeling set in that I had made it through these 10 months and a healthy crying baby was alive and well. I had a 12-hour labor and crossed the finish line, she was here and is perfect.
After the golden hour and once we were wheeled to the postpartum room everything suddenly set in. I had a freaking baby, and it was no longer just the two of us, it was now three, forever.
I heard of baby blues so I was prepared to be crying uncontrollably for the first few days, but I did not expect the overall feeling of sadness. I had a baby that I had been praying for the last 6 years and for some reason part of me was sad. I did not understand why. Maybe it was the fact that in 48 hours I only slept 4 hours. Maybe it was the fact that my baby wasn’t latching to my boob and I felt like an incompetent mother. Or possibly the fact that the gestational diabetes that I thought I had was just regular type 2 diabetes.
Everything all at once felt like a giant weight on my shoulders. I tried to shake it off but it just kept getting worse as the days went on. My poor husband saw me break down at least twice a day and I have multiple videos he took of me crying which I can now watch and laugh at.
There is a video of me crying while reading a children’s book to Vivi in which the author teaches his dog how to skydive. I cried at the thought of my dogs learning how to skydive and how cute that would be but also realizing that they will never actually learn how to skydive.
The absolute worst time I had was with breastfeeding, yes it was horrible. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s an easy job, it’s not. I deeply understand women who opt to use formula because Oh My God I had so many breakdowns about latching, milk flow, supply, and even my pumping pattern. I kept pushing because my plan was always to breastfeed and although I could have just formula fed and it would have been completely fine, my stubborn ass did not want to give up.
I am so lucky to have my husband who when I just could not handle a crying, hungry baby yelling in my ear would take the baby for a few minutes while I re-centered myself and tried again. With the help of a lactation consultant and much-needed nipple shields, we were finally able to get a consistent breastfeeding schedule.
My point here is that I learned very early on that I cannot do it by myself. I needed the help of the people around me to keep my sanity. Visitors are my favorite because they take the baby and I have time to just be myself and go to the bathroom without having to worry about where I’m going to put the baby.
Walks also helped me get fresh air and get out of the house. Being stuck inside the house for weeks at a time is not fun or good for your mental health. I load the baby in the stroller and go around the block. Of course, I have to time everything and make sure I go right after a feeding but I try my best to get some walks in.
My journey so far as a new mom has had ups and downs. I would not give it up for anything in the world. Just seeing her smile in the morning when I sing to her is all I need and everything is suddenly right and I have no worries.
Motherhood, it’s such a trip.
Anyway, in case my child ever reads this. Love you, Viv, always.
Your weird mama.